Divorce myths debunked

Divorce myth #4: Communication becomes better once you leave your spouse.  Many people think that things will improve between former spouses once the divorce is final, especially if they have children.  If you had trouble communicating during the marriage, chances are high that you will continue to have trouble communicating.  If you couldn't change him when you were married, you are not going to change him now.  Accept that the only thing you have control over changing is yourself.

Linda Popielarczyk (www.connectionschildandfamily.com), a registered Social Worker in Toronto, sees many separating and divorcing clients in her private practice.  She notes that those with children are sometimes surprised to realize that that divorce does not end the relationship.  "It is never really over for divorcing parents...rather, their challenge is to redefine their relationship to create a stable parenting partnership, despite their difficulties as partners in marriage." 

Popielarczyk sometimes finds parents will continue to argue with each other and complain about the same issues following separation as during their marriage. In these cases, they can be surprised to realize that they remain connected through these disagreements; and that they are not likely to change their former partners in separation, when they were unable to do so in marriage.

Divorce myth #5: The grass is greener on the other side.  Often times people think that the problems behind their own unhappiness are somehow because of the marriage, and divorce will make the discontent go away, and all of a sudden sex and life will miraculously get better.  There is a lot of self-work that needs to be done in order to find your own self happiness; another person can't do that for you. 

Examine your experience of marriage, not just what wasn't good, but was great and what worked. Take some responsibility for your contribution, good and bad.  Use this learning to point you in the direction of where you want to go, what you want to pursue and what you need in future relationships. Be introspective, and ensure you don't get trapped into falling into relationship patterns that didn't work previously. 

Popielarczyk finds that divorce often represents a significant loss for adults, even when children are not involved.  The longer the marriage, the greater the likelihood that ‘the relationship' forms a significant part of one's identity.  "People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship."  It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

For more, see our guide to separation and divorce, or jump right to 5 steps to post-divorce happiness.

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This article is original More.ca content. 

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts.  Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com