5 steps to post-divorce happiness

Make no mistake; divorce is upper case Emotional. When I decided to leave my marriage, I could not imagine how I would ever say the “d” word to my children or spell out how their lives would change. While I accepted whole-heartedly that my priority was to put my children’s best interests first, I was also painfully aware of how my world was uncoupling and changing.  Even though 50% of marriages end in divorce, I felt small comfort from a statistic.

At first, I felt very overwhelmed most days. I vividly recall many dreams of moving through scary-divorce-land bogged down by a big bad trunk of fear, anxiety, guilt and anger. I knew I had to unload the trunk to get anywhere but I did not want to ‘deal.’

I noticed there are two kinds of divorced people -- those who carry around trunkloads of emotional baggage and those who keep their emotions neatly tucked away in little bags, accessible, but less visible in public.

I wanted to be the kind of divorced person who had the clarity and the coping skills to downgrade my divorce from a crisis to a process and to come through the other side with hope and a good life.

Manage divorce process rather than react to crisis

I learned that surrounding yourself with helpful professionals, getting a grip on your finances and finding ways to heal your fragile emotional state is critical in the long term. Divorce is a process, not a crisis and it is important to move out of crisis mode. I also found that lawyers were not the only professionals helpful to working through divorce process effectively.

Here are the top 5 things you need to do so that you can achieve a positive outlook and keep the emotional baggage from undermining you after divorce.

1. Acknowledge that you are grieving and deal with the emotions.
2. Put your children’s best interests first.
3. Learn about your finances - develop a monthly budget, understand your assets and liabilities.
4. Think about how you would like your life to look like after divorce and start doing some of those things now, to help you get there.
5. Prepare for the friend dynamics. It’s not about you, but how friends react to divorce itself.

Here's how I addressed each area:

It is better to manage your emotions than be managed by emotional baggage, which is why I sought the help of a therapist. Although I knew I had much work ahead, meeting with a therapist made me aware that I had choices. Gradually the emotional weight which bogged me down lifted and enabled me to gain control.

Putting my children’s best interest first was a priority. I consulted with a parenting expert who guided me through this confusing time and advised me how to tell my children about my divorce. A child psychiatrist was helpful in understanding behavior -- what was a result of divorce and what was a consequence of where they were in their own development. Both professionals strongly advised that I let my children know how much I loved them, that the divorce was not their fault and give them a sense of security.

Taking control and managing my finances was empowering. It felt great to make all of the financial decisions and know what was happening with the little budget I had.

I knew that I couldn’t go through life feeling like a victim or a divorcee who needed to be rescued. I wanted a rich and fulfilling life, and to be a good role model for my children. I went out of my comfort zone, enjoyed new pursuits and began to achieve my goals.

Not only did I learn a lot about myself, but about my friends too. There are no rituals around divorce and people can say the most hurtful things. While feeling emotionally vulnerable and alone, I confided in a friend about my divorce. I expected comfort and understanding. Instead I got a very different reaction. She said “I understand why you want to leave, but you won’t be part of a couple any longer.” Aha, she would not be inviting me anywhere, let alone be my friend any more. The phantom lines were drawn. People were taking sides. But I also realized that some people feel uncomfortable with divorce- it was their problem, not mine.

It’s been over twelve years since I made that life altering decision to divorce. I’ve created a very good life for myself and one quite frankly I would never have predicted. How did I finally leave the emotional baggage behind but recognize that smaller emotional issues can and will come up that I am capable of dealing with for my children and myself? By going through a process of hard work and determination.  It was certainly worth it because I live life happy and content, and suffer no regrets.

Contemplating divorce? Don't miss: Surviving separation and divorce; From dam to glam: Dating after divorce and Midlife divorce advice for wome.

Relationship woes? Check out How to improve your marriage without talking about it, and After the affair.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts.  Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com