Deciding to try polyamory
When Jill Barrett's* close friend Marguerite Palmer* lost her husband after a lengthy illness, Jill was there to offer support in any way she could: going to the funeral, coming over to cook meals, and planning shopping trips as a diversion from the loneliness that had seized her friend. Jill's husband, Leonard*, was also there for Marguerite: helping to repair a dripping faucet, taking her out on the lake in his boat, holding her and letting her cry in his arms.
As the months passed, Marguerite and Leonard found themselves attracted to each other and longed to move beyond consoling hugs to sexual intimacy. But instead of starting an illicit affair — the discovery of which carried the risk of ruining both a solid marriage and a long-standing friendship — they talked openly about their feelings.
Leonard told his wife about his sexual desire for Marguerite. Marguerite told Jill she was lonely, had gone a year without sex and longed for the loving touch of a man she could trust. And Jill? She gave the pair her blessing to go forth and fornicate, to enter into a sexual relationship without any guilt, shame or fear of getting caught. "My own feelings surprised me," says Jill. "But the fact is, I trust my husband and I trust my friend. Life is short; why should I stop them from having this experience?"
Taking the leap to open marriage
It's safe to say Jill's reaction isn't typical: Accusations of betrayal, tears, screaming and a suitcase thrown to the curb would be more like it. But Jill, an athletic 41-year-old mother of three children, age seven to 12, and a successful tax lawyer in southern Ontario, says she took a clear-eyed view of the situation and believed the strength of her 14-year marriage and her healthy self-esteem would not be threatened by this sexual dalliance.
Besides, she wanted her friend to feel better and she believed her husband should be able to indulge his desires. "I've had lots of good things happen to me. What happened to Marguerite — losing her husband at such an early age — isn't fair. Who am I to say she shouldn't have some nice stuff in her life, and if I can enable that even a little bit, that's a good thing. As for my husband, I wouldn't want to get to the end of our lives together without him having had this fun."
You might think Jill is incredibly altruistic (or sadly naive) for allowing her husband to find pleasure in the arms of another woman, for taking a chance that he might fall in love and choose to leave her. But could she simply be more evolved than the rest of us in her ability to move past the petty feelings of jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity that cause us to demand our partners be bound only to us for life?
*Names changed by request
