The ties that bind
It is precisely the absence of those ties that haunts Hannah Forth*, 54, another egg recipient in Toronto. When her twin boys, now eight, were conceived, it was thanks to an anonymous egg donor. Now she speaks wistfully of the connection she and her husband were never able to establish with the woman who changed their lives so profoundly.
Sometimes it feels like there are five people in our family, the four of us and the woman’s ghost, which floats around the house from time to time,” she explains, choking back tears. Back in 1999, even before Canadian laws were tightened, finding an egg donor did not involve choice, it was about luck. “The doctor told me he would find me an egg donor, and he did. I miscarried and had to wait four months before he found me another donor,” she says.
Grateful for a second chance at motherhood, Forth didn’t ask questions, and is relieved she “hit the jackpot” with the twins. But last year they began talking about what it would be like to meet the donor. “There are times when I look at my children with thoughts that a certain characteristic probably came from her. I wonder what type of personality she has, what hobbies she has. I wonder if my kids look like her, and what her own kids look like. I wonder if she wonders about us?”
That is one request not granted at the Washington Fertility Center. “This is strictly an anonymous program and if the couple or the donor wants to have a chat, we tell them this is not the place for them,” stresses Ondr. Photos of many of the donors are available, and some minimal, indirect contact is allowed through Ondr.
“Sometimes couples will want to send the donor a thank-you letter or a small gift, like flowers.” Sometimes donors will also send a note to recipients, she adds, reading a little card on her desk: “Dear family: If Susan gives you this card, it means you are pregnant and expecting a wonderful new addition to your family. My sincerest congratulations and best wishes for the years of love to come. Your donor.”
*Names changed by request
This article originally appeared in the April 2009 issue of More
