Congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy
Where is the soup tureen for building a reasonably successful career? What tax advantage comes with being a faithful aunt, devoted friend or helpful neighbour? Who bought a bridesmaid’s dress when I got my BA at 42? Where, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, is the Hallmark card that says, “Congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy”?
Last year, when I was about to turn 50, I realized that what I really wanted was a wedding dance. I wanted one of my married friends, who had always said, “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll dance at your wedding one day!” to do just that. I wanted to make the statement that, as an unmarried person, I am not incomplete or unfinished, and, furthermore, I am worth celebrating.
Still, I felt nervous and embarrassed after I’d sent everyone I know invitations that blared: “The Wedding Dance She Never Had!” I fudged things a little by associating the party with my 50th year and by billing it as a charity event. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t fit even my arthritic big toe into a pair of Manolo Blahniks; with no desire to start a gift registry, I decided to collect money at the door to help buy a blanket warmer for a local hospice, where a single friend had recently died of breast cancer.
Worth celebrating
Perhaps it was not surprising, then, that a few people just didn’t get the unwedding bit. Why would they? It was a tad unorthodox. And maybe the point I was trying to make — that the lack of a groom shouldn’t prevent me from having all the other trappings, including the deference and felicitations traditionally accorded to a bride — was offensive to those for whom the exclusivity of membership in the married club depends on keeping out those who don’t follow traditional paths. Would I simply confirm some people’s suspicions that unmarrieds are selfish and hedonistic — even though, as Bella DePaulo points out in her book, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, “In the race to ever more staggering displays of self-celebration, weddings beat birthday parties hands down”?
But most people absolutely got it — dear friends and relatives who immediately reassured me that I merited such a celebration, that they would be there no matter what, and asked how they could contribute. The penny dropped for my mother a couple of weeks before the party when I got a bit cross with her for asking if my father had to wear a suit. Suddenly she realized I was handing her the opportunity to play mother of the bride again, and she got into the spirit admirably. We had a couple of girlie conversations about centrepieces and flowers, which filled a hole in my heart that I’d never acknowledged was there.
