Getting your social life back on track
“It’s the weekend and once again, I am dreading the feeling of being alone.” I hear this sentiment expressed all too often from many divorcées—be it at the beginning of their separation, or from those that have been divorced for years.
Is it possible to embrace the feeling of aloneness and actually do something positive about it? You bet it is.
At the beginning of their separation or divorce, many people often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the "fifth wheel bug". Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch—but the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a couple’s world—a Noah’s Ark society—is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before.
I not only hear about the loneliness frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I was newly separated. Not every couple excludes the single person, but there are lots who do. There are many reasons why the single person is left out, so don’t take it personally. It is easier to fit four or six around a table than three or five. Balanced, even.
It's not you, it's them
What you need to understand is that this not about you. It’s about the way your friends feel about your situation—or their own. Some people are threatened if they are not in a perfect relationship and seeing you happy might make them feel uncomfortable. I’ve also learned that happily married couples don’t always mean to overlook their single friends; it’s just that they are less likely to think outside the Ark on the weekends.
Coco Johnson (M.S.W., RSW), a therapist in private practice in Oakville, helps her patients understand what might be going on socially around them. For instance, “if the woman precipitates the ending of the marriage, that may be threatening to another woman, in a mediocre situation, who has decided to stay and settle.”
She helps her patients see that “It is better to be alone than lonely in a relationship. Sometimes people are very lonely and have very terrible lives while married; they just didn’t anticipate the loss of their marriage.” Johnson’s advice is that “it isn’t catastrophic to be alone, especially if you came from a marriage where you were lonely.”
Here are some tips to overcoming your loneliness and while building your new social life.
