The attachment theory
Sue Johnson is fascinated by love. Whether as a child watching men and women flirt in her parents' British pub, or as a doctorate student at the University of British Columbia working with struggling couples, Johnson says she's always been mesmerized by every aspect of love.
Early in her career, the University of Ottawa professor began basing her research on the theory that couples in a relationship need each other for emotional nourishment, much the same way a child needs his mother. She reasoned that a survival response as innate as the attachment between a mother and child couldn't possibly just evaporate at age 12. Says Johnson: "People don't grow out of needing each other."
This revelation became the foundation of her work. Called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, it's based on a simple premise: Men and women are emotionally attached to and dependent on their partners. And that's a good thing.
Today, the clinical psychologist is a leader in the science of relationships. Director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and the author of four books, Johnson has trained thousands of therapists around the world.
More checked in with Johnson to see what it takes to keep the love alive.
Can you explain attachment theory as it relates to romantic love?
For many years, we weren't prepared to look at romantic love this way. We knew about the attachment between a mother and child, but somehow decided that adults shouldn't need each other. And that has been a huge block to understanding adult love.
One of the main problems in the field of relationships is that it hasn't had a theory of love. This is so basic, it sounds silly. It's as though we've said: "We have this field called medicine but we have no theory on how the body works."
Here's what we know: We are attaching animals. We are designed to live with bonds of love as they occur between parents and children, and between sexual partners. These bonds are innate. This need for so-called contact comfort is wired into us, and it's very basic.
Romantic love isn't merely an infatuation or some version of sexuality that we've added a bit of sentiment to — it's much deeper than that. It's a deep need to know that you matter to someone else; to know that if you call, someone will come; to know that you exist in someone else's mind. This is really basic to who we are as human beings.
Furthermore, we know that emotional isolation is punishing for people. It affects their bodies. They're more likely to have strokes and heart attacks. It floods them with cortisol, with stress hormones. This stuff is powerful.
