Dating after divorce
Children often have difficulty with a divorced parent’s first move into the dating world. Many children, no matter how old, fantasize about mommy and daddy getting back together and becoming part of one big happy family again. While deep down your children know fantasy will likely not become a reality, moving on to the next chapter in your life requires balance and sensitivity.
When Barbara Steinman* first started dating again, she found "dating was exciting and took up a lot of time. I didn't have balance in my life. I was going out a lot and then realized I had to pull back and spend more time at home with my kids."
Steinman says she also felt self-conscious, wondering what other people would think of her.
"After being married for so many years I hadn't thought of myself in terms of being appealing to men in a relationship or sexual sense, rather than as friends."
Common sense, rather than rules, is required when balancing your family life with your personal life. You want to develop confidence while dating, but avoid the drama which can result, causing chaos and distraction in your life.
Professional advice
Jacqueline Vanbetlehem, a mediator and family therapist in Oakville, encourages her clients to consider the dynamics of dating when they first start out.
“A new partner can be a significant distraction and can take away your attention when your child may need the attention more than ever,” she says. “Parents need to be aware of that.”
Carole Linden, a matchmaker in Thornhill, recommends to her clients that they be on their own for at least six months before they start dating again. She counsels them to look inwards.
“Look at what worked and what didn’t in your marriage and explore who you are and what you want so that you don’t repeat relationship patterns.”
Vanbetlehem advises that, as much as possible, you keep things the same for your children in the first year post separation and divorce to “help kids transition into their new life going from a two parent household to a one parent household; they need time to get used to what this is going to look like.”
