Young men, tough choices

It used to be simple (well, or almost): finish school, get a job, get married—all within a few years.

But today's young men are spending an increasing amount of time drifting through a period sociologist Michael Kimmel has dubbed "Guyland" in his book of the same name. Kimmel wrote the book after interviewing almost 400 young men on campuses across the United States.

For parents looking for some insight into the inner lives of young men—not always easy to penetrate—Guyland is a fascinating read. Although the context Kimmel provides with statistics and analysis is useful, I found the quotes from the young men themselves to be some of the strongest material in the book, if occasionally disturbing.

Guyland is not an especially pretty place—full of drunken rituals, "hooking up" with girls as a way to prove one's manhood to other men, and even violence against women as a rite of passage. Dishearteningly, it is also a world bereft of connection to older adults.

I had to chance to interview Kimmel, so I asked him to provide a tour of Guyland geared towards mothers of young men. Here's what he thought you should know:

What is Guyland?

The easiest way to explain it is to talk about the difference between this generation [of youth] and previous ones: First, This generation of young people will live longer than any other before it—well into their 90s. They are delaying marriage until into their 30s. This gives them a decade gap between finishing school and taking on the traditional trappings of adult life. In this period between 18 and 28, they have virtually no adult supervision.

Second, this is an over-parented generation, micromanaged and in soccer and trombone lessons basically since birth. Then the parents drop them off at college campuses. Colleges have been moving away from the concept of in loco parentis [taking on the role of parents]—when I was in school, there were rules in the dorm that if there was a girl in your room, you had to have your door open and at least three feet on the floor. But now there's a vacuum, with no adult supervision at all.

Next: How to help your child through the "guyland" years.

Other articles of interest: The long-term scars of bullying; When kids move home.

Third, there have been enormous, permanent changes in women's lives. Women now represent 70 per cent of high school valedictorians [in the United States]. This leads to a lot of confusion about what is distinctive about being a man. And there is resentment, anger, and confusion about these changes. It's hard to be a guy. Where can guys go to be a guy?

As a result you have kids teaching kids what it is be an adult.  And that's what Guyland is: boys teaching boys to be men…. Different kids will face it differently, but that's the world they're moving into.

What was the biggest surprise you encountered in your research?

How desperate guys were to prove their masculinity to other guys. Was it so girls would like them? No. It was so other guys would value and credit their masculinity.  The creed of Guyland is "bros before hos" [whores]. The anxiety about proving themselves was pervasive among the young men I interviewed. And young women were also looking to the men for validation.

What can parents do to help their sons through the Guyland phase?

Parents can help their sons and daughters to navigate more consciously. We need to help provide a moral compass. And we need to let kids make mistakes earlier in their lives so that they can figure out how to use their compass, and how to negotiate difficult problems before they are out of the house.

The guys are drifting—one described it as "I keep hitting the snooze button on my life." Our responsibility is to help them to think consciously and ethically.  We need them to know that they may be asked to do things to prove their masculinity that are not in line with who they are. Most young men are not violent, but many are bystanders to acts of violence. We need to help our sons to listen to their own hearts.

Just because your kid has left home it doesn't mean our jobs are over as parents. One young man I interviewed said that when he called home the first time after going to school, his father said "Hang on, I'll get your mother." Dads need to stay connected; their job is not done.

We also need to help them to nurture cross-sex friendships—that's really important for both the guys and the girls.

Also we need to helicopter parent our kids less. Less is more in high school, and more is more in university. Ask them questions. If you read about something at another school, ask your kids how they would deal with a similar situation.

What has your experience with Guyland been like? Do you agree? Disagree? Share parenting tips and stories in our forums!

This article is original content on More.ca