Getting them through Guyland
Third, there have been enormous, permanent changes in women's lives. Women now represent 70 per cent of high school valedictorians [in the United States]. This leads to a lot of confusion about what is distinctive about being a man. And there is resentment, anger, and confusion about these changes. It's hard to be a guy. Where can guys go to be a guy?
As a result you have kids teaching kids what it is be an adult. And that's what Guyland is: boys teaching boys to be men…. Different kids will face it differently, but that's the world they're moving into.
What was the biggest surprise you encountered in your research?
How desperate guys were to prove their masculinity to other guys. Was it so girls would like them? No. It was so other guys would value and credit their masculinity. The creed of Guyland is "bros before hos" [whores]. The anxiety about proving themselves was pervasive among the young men I interviewed. And young women were also looking to the men for validation.
What can parents do to help their sons through the Guyland phase?
Parents can help their sons and daughters to navigate more consciously. We need to help provide a moral compass. And we need to let kids make mistakes earlier in their lives so that they can figure out how to use their compass, and how to negotiate difficult problems before they are out of the house.
The guys are drifting—one described it as "I keep hitting the snooze button on my life." Our responsibility is to help them to think consciously and ethically. We need them to know that they may be asked to do things to prove their masculinity that are not in line with who they are. Most young men are not violent, but many are bystanders to acts of violence. We need to help our sons to listen to their own hearts.
Just because your kid has left home it doesn't mean our jobs are over as parents. One young man I interviewed said that when he called home the first time after going to school, his father said "Hang on, I'll get your mother." Dads need to stay connected; their job is not done.
We also need to help them to nurture cross-sex friendships—that's really important for both the guys and the girls.
Also we need to helicopter parent our kids less. Less is more in high school, and more is more in university. Ask them questions. If you read about something at another school, ask your kids how they would deal with a similar situation.
What has your experience with Guyland been like? Do you agree? Disagree? Share parenting tips and stories in our forums!
This article is original content on More.ca
