Making it work
And because they deliberately practise what could be described as low-impact parenting, no one seemed emotionally enmeshed in an unhealthy way. That’s not to say it was easy. As Ellen said, “My greatest fear was whether I would be able to not be involved in her life.” That includes the almost irresistible urge to watch and judge the way your adult child spends money or stretches herself socially on the weekend. When they’re away at school, ignorance is truly bliss. So Ellen had to bite her tongue a few times.
At the beginning, all four sat down to discuss how to make it work. They came to the conclusion that the more independent everyone was, the better they could coexist in the same small house. For the kids, that meant their own phones and computers; for the parents, not changing their meal plans or pushing the family dinner thing. Consequently they were rarely all there together. Instead, David usually ate with them while his older sister was almost always not there. The only thing they asked of their children was “If you’re not coming home at all, phone.”
This phase of living together is flexible: David has already moved out, after living at home for only four months while he waited for a training program to start in the U.S.; Alyssa will probably be home for another few years, until her med school training ends. But no matter what the length of stay, opening their doors has given the parents “a sense of satisfaction of helping the kids with their futures.”
Costs of living prohibitive for many
And for the kids? A warm bed in a cold world is not to be sneezed at, especially in urban centres where the cost of living is prohibitive. In fact, when it comes to money, there is something unusually risk-averse about this generation. As Ellen, a child of the ’60s, points out with some amusement, “they have absolutely no sense of a bohemian life.” It’s true — they all say (a little too often) that they don’t want to rent, but buy, and they fervently don’t want to be “poor.”
How ironic: While we remember with a fondness bordering on fetishism our cheap Klimt posters and rudimentary garage sale furniture, our children, back home after graduating, sit serenely at our granite bars drinking high-end coffee before heading off to work each morning.
For Allan and Ellen, one factor stands out as to why their arrangement works: Their son and daughter are already young professionals. That most basic parental fear — of the kid who can’t move forward into an economically self-sufficient future — is non-existent for them. As Allan says, “It’s easy because the kids are doing so well — if you thought you’d blown it as parents, maybe you wouldn’t want to see your kids constantly.”
