Keep your cool—and be compassionate
The small stuff
Jennifer Barak*, 60, was chatting with her sister-in-law in Nanaimo, B.C., as she packed away a hall table and chair from her recently deceased mother’s estate. Her brother, also visiting from out of town, happened on the scene and erupted. “What are you doing?” he asked. Barak explained calmly. But her brother ripped the table out of the box and walked out the door with it. “I already talked to Mom about this,” he snapped. “She said I could have it.”
How to avoid strife “Some of the biggest fights we see are over personal items,” says Kotzer. “You can’t share a painting on the wall.” To avoid such disputes, go through the contents of your parents’ home while they are still able to make decisions, he suggests. “It’s much easier to swallow if they say, ‘Look, Les always wanted that dining room table. I’m telling you right now, he’s getting it. Now is there anything in the house that is important to you?’”
Although Barak went through that process, her sibs weren’t around at the time, and that can be a problem. “It should be all the siblings,” Kotzer advises. “That way there’s no argument about what your parents wanted. And there should be a rule that whatever you gave to your parents, you take back.”
If it’s too late and you’re divvying up the antiques and jewellery in the aftermath of a parent’s death, Kotzer suggests opting for a neutral solution. Draw straws for the right to pick the first item and then alternate choices, for instance. And be big about things. Barak admits that her back went up when her brother grabbed the table. But she was able to stifle an angry retort by recalling what her brother had gone through recently, including the loss of his job and a serious illness. “I think it is part of the grieving process too,” she says. “You sometimes grab at things for the sentimental value.” Her philosophy: “A piece of furniture is not worth a conflict in the family.”
*Names changed by request
Four tips to keep family discussions civilized
Be courteous As a rule of thumb, try to conduct yourself as respectfully as you would if you were in a meeting at work with non-relatives.
Stay focused Families share a long history…not all of it good. Steer away from bringing up that blouse your sister borrowed and ruined back when you were 13, and keep to the issue at hand.
Express your views calmly Can’t keep a lid on your emotions? Walk away and return when you are calmer. Better yet, write your feelings down and have a disinterested third party take a look before presenting your point of view.
Thumb through the family photo albums Before you turn to the courts, take a stroll through the past. You walked to school, played on the beach and shared Christmases with your sibling, says Les Kotzer, a Toronto wills and estates lawyer and the co-author of The Family War: Winning the Inheritance Battle. “Why would you want to ruin that relationship?”
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2008 issue of More
