Name a power of attorney
How to avoid strife Everyone should name a power of attorney for personal care as well as for personal property, with a backup in case primary power of attorney is unable to act, says Kotzer. “Pay attention to whom you’re appointing,” he advises. “If you have three kids and are thinking of appointing an executor, I suggest you include a majority provision.” That way if one child doesn’t agree, the others can overrule and make a decision. If your children are very different, pick the one you think best understands your desires. “Then tell them what you want in terms of personal dignity, living arrangements and nursing care.”
As well, points out Fitzroy, everyone in the family should know in advance the responsibilities of the person holding power of attorney. “It doesn’t mean that you have to physically take care of the person yourself,” she says. “It means you’re responsible for hiring and coordinating care.” Although you can access bank accounts and other assets on your parent’s behalf, there are certain rules that you have to follow. “Keep receipts for everything,” Fitzroy advises.
Discuss the will to avoid suprises
Another crucial piece of documentation is a valid, up-to-date will. Discussing the will in advance offers an opportunity to explain the intentions and reasoning behind it. It may help eliminate faulty assumptions that will cause resentment later — that one child “doesn’t need the money,” for example, or that another will be generous in sharing an asset. Points out Kotzer: “When children are surprised at the contents of a parent’s will, they may believe that it doesn’t reflect the parent’s true wishes.”
A final tip from Fitzroy: If you have an issue with how the will has been settled or how the power of attorney operates, voice it — in person. Emails helped foment dissent among her siblings, she says. “You can’t communicate effectively by email, especially when you’re talking about emotional things. You can’t gently say, ‘Can you tell me what you mean by that?’”
Frustrated? Before you call a lawyer, ask yourself whether it is worth it, suggests Kotzer. “This is not like suing a major corporation. You’re suing your sibling. The relationship may never be the same.” Fitzroy can attest to that. “We were always such a close family,” she says sadly. “And then something like this happens and there’s a rift forever.”
