Tough tests
Day 23 My toughest test came after an eight-hour drive to Regina to surprise a good friend at her 50th birthday party. As she hugged me and said how happy she was I had come, I poured her a glass of wine, guests swarming around the dining room table-cum-bar. Maybe just one…. Nope, it’s only Day 23. I had a blast anyway. There were a few heads throbbing in the morning, but thankfully not mine; I felt amazing. But I vowed not to become self-righteous, I’ve had my share. I didn’t have a drink for the rest of my five-day getaway.
Day 32 I share a bottle of wine with Robin at a restaurant. It chills in a bucket beside us. I pay lots of attention to the aesthetics; I sip really slowly. Later we are off to a movie but we’re early, cooling our heels in a lounge next door, so I’m on to soda water.
I can’t lie — I’m happy to have wine back in my life, but during my Thirty I had lots of time to draw up some guidelines. Wine and I are going to be on limited terms. My new rules include the following: no drinks at lunch; never let my glass be filled if it’s not empty and I can’t figure out the amount being consumed; and indulge only three days of the week at most, preferably not in a row. My absolute limit is three glasses in an evening.
What has become clear from my Thirty is that the benefits of drinking quickly deteriorate when you have more than one drink an hour for two or three hours. I’ve forgotten this a couple of times now, having had three in an evening and not allowing enough time in between. This is still too much to feel okay the next day.
The truth about drinking
My Thirty wasn’t a breeze, but neither was it as tough as I’d anticipated. To say I’m an extrovert is an understatement, but still — as with most people — I’m always a little uncomfortable upon entering a social event. But now, as I ride that initial wave of anxiety at parties, I find myself on the other side of the urge with a lightness that comes from not being even slightly altered, from being present in the situation.
The intimacy I thought was spawned by drinking is really a big delusion. Before, I would lose track of the conversation, repeat myself, give up confidences I shouldn’t have, insist on being right. Intimacy comes from being much more available to loved ones than is possible after swilling a few too many. Big delusion number two is that booze creates a bridge leading away from your problems. The truth is they are quite happy to greet you in the morning when you feel shitty, less able to deal with them.
I know I will find my new guidelines hard to adhere to at times, but I love the comfort of knowing I can do my Thirty again. I carry this possibility around with me like a shiny jewel tucked in my pocket.
Get your life in gear! Learn to love yourself in seven weeks, discover 10 baby steps to a new life and read more inspirational stories and how-tos for meeting goals
This article originally appeared in the May 2008 issue of More
