Sex over 40: Expert advice
Meet the experts:
Josey Vogels talks about sex in newspapers, blogs, and on TV and radio shows across Canada. The Toronto sexpert's sixth book on sex and relationships, Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy, is due out next year. Ottawa's Sue McGarvie is a sex therapist and the author of Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe-Curling Orgasms! and also appears regularly in the media. Joan Marsman is a marriage and family therapist whose Toronto-area practice has been helping couples develop better relationships for more than 20 years.
How is sex different for women over 40?
JV Not only are we dealing with changing bodies, but we're also coping with social pressures about whether a woman over 40 can still be sexy. As a society, we prefer not to think of older women being sexual. Thankfully, there are more women saying, "Screw that," and embracing their more confident sexual selves. Generally, we're less worried about approval from our partners. We have more sexual confidence and we know what works for us—giving us an advantage over our younger selves.
SM Women reach their sexual peak between the ages of 38 and 52. On average, menopause hits at 52, and the libido is never improved at menopause. Never. So among all the problems of being bitchy and itchy and grumpy, you're not going to have the same sex drive. There are things you can do about it, but if you just go along not paying any attention to it, it's going to hit you like a brick wall.
I've been sleeping with the same man for a very long time, and sex has become very predictable and, well, boring. How can I turn "ho-hum" back into "hot damn"?
JV That's why sex is always better on vacation, because you don't have a routine or daily pressures. Create vacation sex in your regular life: Rent a hotel room for the night, ship the kids off, make the space to explore.
Take a trip to one of the more progressive sex shops; there are some wonderful products and great toys. Try something as simple as incorporating lube into your sex life. It will really enhance your ability to achieve orgasm and everything will just feel better.
And communicate. People think that sex is just going to happen, but you have to be able to talk about it outside of the bedroom. When you see something on TV or in a magazine, say, "Hey, this is interesting, how do you feel about that?" We can be with our partner for years and not know what their fantasies are or what expectations they have about sex.
SM You have to do the work, and you've got to take risks. Go and buy some lingerie. Find out where you are on the continuum from missionary sex on Saturday night to donkeys and leather. You've got to find out what's comfortable and push the envelope a little bit. It's scary, but I guarantee your partner is up for the change.
JM Start changing things up. Change the time of day; change the things you're doing. Have "outercourse" [everything except intercourse]; exchange sensual massages.
