Blogs on More

This weekend the New York Times Magazine asked - and tried to answer - the question “Why are so many people in their 20s taking so long to grow up?” And as these things often do, it inspired a lot of blogs posts and responses, including (but not confined to):

The New York Times‘ Motherlode blog which closed comments after receiving 790.
The tongue-in-cheek “What is it About Eightysomethings” over at Vanity Fair.
The New Yorker came out with a list of novels for emerging adults.
And Tabatha Southey’s defense of the not-so-empty-nest over at the Globe and Mail.

[Edited to add: Linda thoughtfully adds in the comments that <em>The Walrus has a piece by Marni Jackson on the same theme. I’m sorry I missed that one!]

I will freely admit that as a soon-to-be-40 Generation X slacker (who married at 24 and bought a house at 26, the down payment for which was from the bank of Mom and Dad) some of the arguments about “kids today” seem awfully familiar. The recession of the early 90s into which I graduated was not as deep as the current one, but there is a reason many of us ended up working in new(er) technologies - it was pretty hard to break into the older ones.

I do have to point out that More’s own article on emerging adults was in subscribers’ hands the week of August 10th. Please read and let us know what YOU think of this generational analysis in the comments!

I’ve made it a minor project to try to reconnect with old friends this summer. Fortunately, some of them are better at it than I and I got a major gift in this direction: A regular invitation to a Friday-night wine-and-chat with local friends. You know you’re living the good life when you have a chance to hang out with people who really get some of your daily struggles. And a bottle of Pinot Grigio doesn’t hurt!

On that theme I’d like to invite you to comment with one tip about either wine (buying, storing, serving) or friendship (making, nurturing, evaluating), and I’ll select 3 lucky winners at random from the comments to receive a bottle of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio, valued at $16.95 (and sweetened with victory as well). You must comment before noon on Wednesday August 18.

As with all our blog giveaways: One entry per person please, and sadly we cannot offer this to our Quebec or non-Canadian readers. By entering you agree to accept the prize as awarded and we reserve the right to substitute a prize of equal value. You must be of legal drinking age in your province and of the age of majority. We accept no liability about what happens when you drink the wine.

And if you don’t win, or if you can’t wait to find out and are heading out to buy the wine - here’s extra incentive to try the Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio: From July 18th to August 14th, 50 cents from the sale of each bottle of this popular wine will be donated to the Scotiabank AIDS Walk for Life.

This giveaway is now closed and winners will be contacted shortly!

I recently chose 5 sites on parenting teens that are worth reading, and in the introduction I stated that I had stayed away from addiction-related sites for that particular list. If you check it out be sure to tell me what I missed.

But I’ve also been reading Katie Granju’s blog recently and it makes me question that choice. I wanted to stay away from a single topic around parenting teens. But maybe shepherding them past addiction is just that central to those ages.

Katie Granju has been a freelance writer and is Ackermann’s Director of Digital and Social media, and a mother of four,expecting her fifth. She recently shared her 17-year-old son’s — and her family’s — struggle with addiction on her personal blog and on her blog on Babble.com. And most recently she shared that he passed away, the victim of an overdose and a drug deal gone wrong. I find her willingness to share her thoughts touching - not just because they are so raw, but because she often takes that opportunity to talk about what she would have done differently.

It’s also something to watch the online community — I know, a term we easily get sick of, but in this case it’s appropriate I think — lend their support. People from around the world have sent her photos of places Henry might have travelled with his name in them - like this one. I know I’ll be sending one.

I have an ex-boyfriend who is the kind of guy who desperately wants to get along with everyone. When we broke up it was not a good breakup. How bad was it? We divided up the high school reunions so as not to overlap.

A couple of years ago he wrote on his blog that there was one girlfriend with whom he had never been able to “just be friends” and that it really bothered him to know that someone out there disliked him. (And yes, I was indeed reading his blog. Why? It’s complicated, right?)

So my dilemma: Should I do the nice thing and let him off the hook? Or pretend I never read that? I’d like to be saintly here but I did pretend I hadn’t read that. Let sleeping dogs lie, right? However, a few months later he emailed me and I answered - mostly because I had read his post. Forgiveness achieved.

(Photo: Not me, but Meryl Streep reigniting the spark with her ex in It’s Complicated.)

Now it’s your turn: share your story or advice about exes or other complicated relationships. I do in fact have a copy of It’s Complicated to give away, so comment before Friday June 18 at noon eastern time to be entered to win. I’ll select randomly from the comments; please only enter once per person.

(More legal stuff: Sadly if you’re a resident of Quebec, you can’t enter this giveaway. You must be of the age of majority to enter. When you enter the contest you agree to accept the prize (1 DVD) as awarded, no substitutions. )

Anyone who’s been in the online dating scene has shared at least one thing with me: It’s time consuming. First you have to set up a profile. Then you have to sort through responses - or search profiles, and start contacting people. And then there’s the endless round of first dates, second dates, and “no thank you” messages.

Well, an entrepreneurial Canadian’s come up with a solution: Online dating assistants. Not only are they expert in writing good profiles and sending catchy messages, they save you time.

Or they may be sending that guy you got in touch with last night time, you never know.

Well - here’s a backup career plan for those of us who love online communication! What do you think about the idea? And by the way, if you’re about to get your feet wet on a dating site, don’t miss Cheryl Hawkes’ 10 online dating lessons.

There’s a great discussion on dating, marrying, and unpleasant realities of age going on over at (of all places) Megan McArdle’s blog at theAtlantic.com. Her post is interesting, but it’s the comments that are the must-read. One of them also linked to an intriguing, if depressing, trend analysis from OkCupid.com: The Case for An Older Woman. It turns out that what you may have suspected about men’s behaviour on online dating sites is true:

“As you can see, a man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age. The median 31 year-old guy, for example, sets his allowable match age range from 22 to 35—nine years younger, but only four years older, than himself. This skewed mindset worsens with age; the median 42 year-old will accept a woman up to fifteen years younger, but no more than three years older.

A man’s bias toward younger women becomes even more evident when we overlay his stated preferences with his actual messaging habits.”

I recommend checking out both links if you’re dating, or have a friend who is. What do you think?

“We just don’t have anything in common any more.” That’s what one of my long-lost (read: found on Facebook) friends says about her marriage of over ten years, which is now over. I wish I could be smug about it and think that will never happen to me - but I’ve been around long enough to know that’s not the case. So one of my resolutions is to put a bit more time and effort into keeping in touch - really in touch; not just scheduling and parenting - with my spouse.

But I’m intensely curious to know how people really do it. And I happen to have a 50 ml bottom of Calvin Klein’s euphoria for men (eau de toilette spray) on my desk to give away. So I’m asking you to share your tip in the comments (before midnight, eastern standard time, January 16 2010) and include your email address in the appropriate field (it will not appear on the blog!). I’ll pick a winner at random. So post your tip! Remember that the blog comments are on moderation, so it may take a day for your comment to appear - but it is not lost.

Comments are now closed and the winner is - by random selection - comment #23! Thank you all so much for the fantastic tips; I’ll be turning them into a blog post soon - Jenn

When a story like the Tiger Woods infidelity saga breaks, the water cooler conversation often goes like this: Why on earth do these guys do this kind of thing?

I spoke with Doug Hirschorn, author of the forthcoming Eight Ways to Great and a performance coach who uses sports psychology to consult with high-powered Wall Street titans, about why high-performing men make crazy decisions (or at least decisions that look crazy).

“Always looking for that next great thing.”
Dr. Doug’s theory boils down to adrenaline: “The thing to understand about high performers like Tiger Woods or A-Rod or Kobe Bryant is that their normal way of operating is at a very high level of success. So for them to experience a truly remarkable performance happens more infrequently for the rest of us, so for Tiger Woods it might happen one tournament in five.”

According to Dr. Doug, for these elite performers, taking risks with one’s marriage and personal life can provide a challenge they find increasingly difficult to get on the job (or on the green): “Because he’s so public and because cameras are following him around… it’s that much more exciting to sleep with a cocktail waitress who he knows can ruin his reputation with one phone call. It gives him that adrenaline shot, and it lasts longer than that one shot because he knows that woman is out there. The excitement is knowing that you take it to the edge; that at any one moment it could end.”

So of course, I had to ask: If you’re married to one of these high performers, what can you do about it?

Not many people are married to those high performers, points out Dr. Doug. But if you are, he thinks “you have to accept both sides of that individual, and understand that the same thing you love that person for is the probably going to be the same thing you’re going to hate that person for…. What’s naïve is to be shocked and surprised.”

“People want black-and-white on this, but it’s complicated…[Tiger] has an adrenaline problem. But it’s not about sex or power. It’s about a great golfer figuring out what to do to get that rush when he gets off the golf course.”

It’s the analysis, stupid
Okay, so here’s one guy who clearly didn’t figure it out in time. But how can high achievers keep their lives in balance? “The lesson about high-profile men is: it’s not about medicating them or putting them in a cage; it’s about getting them to look at their life the same way they would their career and make the same smart choices…. The problem is they don’t do the proper self-analysis in the moment. Engage in a discussion on a level that he understands and relates to. Have him assess the relationship in that respect.”

I’m not so sure I entirely buy into the adrenaline theory: Are high performers really unable to pay attention to their own wedding vows? But hey, it’s one theory. What do you think?

For more on affairs:
After the affair
Affairs: Not just for men

Around this time of year I am full into holiday planning - gifts, baking, and decorations galore. But I also have to start to watch my mood a little bit; I tend to be just a bit more easily upset and a little bit more volatile.

The reason? No matter how lucky I am overall — and I really am — I still end up getting just a little bit angry that my daughter never got the chance to experience the holidays. I’ve learned over the past 5 - 5! - years that respecting that loss is the best way for me to not blow up about the turkey; to set aside the time for a walk through the cemetery and give myself space be sad. It’s become just as much a part of the season as the eggnog.

And this experience, I’ve learned, is not that uncommon: death, divorce, family feuds all can come to the fore this time of year. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of pressure to be happy. Bah! Humbug!

So that’s why (I freely admit my bias) the press release for Bereaved Families of Ontario - Toronto sent me this week promoting their Tree of Light ceremony caught my eye. All the details are available at their site but the summary is: It’s quite a moving opportunity for families to remember their loved ones, and this year it’s at 6:30 p.m. Thursday December 3 at the Toronto City Hall Rotunda; you can also make a donation online.

For those not in Toronto or who can’t or don’t want to attend, I took the opportunity to interview Maureen Ford, Chair of BFO-Toronto, and Chandra Colbear, a volunteer grief facilitator, for their advice in dealing with the special challenges the holiday season brings for those who are grieving.

If you’ve got a reason to dread the holidays - loss, divorce, strife or just plain old not a fan of them - how do you handle it?

This week one of my best friends experienced a “cardiac event” - fortunately more of a scare than anything life-threatening, but it was a real wake-up call. (Although actually, it was a wake-up text.)

First, that women should know the symptoms of heart attack, and take them seriously.

Second, that friends are pretty important. Unless, of course, they dump you (well okay, even then they’re important to someone).

And third, that maybe a big part of midlife friendship is learning to go through some of life’s biggest milestones together.

I know my friend and I have resolved to support each other in making sure our lifestyles are more heart-healthy: watch our diets, especially salt and fat (even though it may not be the killer we’ve thought it is), exercise more together, and laugh more often.

What’s changed in your relationships lately?