Blogs on More

“We just don’t have anything in common any more.” That’s what one of my long-lost (read: found on Facebook) friends says about her marriage of over ten years, which is now over. I wish I could be smug about it and think that will never happen to me - but I’ve been around long enough to know that’s not the case. So one of my resolutions is to put a bit more time and effort into keeping in touch - really in touch; not just scheduling and parenting - with my spouse.

But I’m intensely curious to know how people really do it. And I happen to have a 50 ml bottom of Calvin Klein’s euphoria for men (eau de toilette spray) on my desk to give away. So I’m asking you to share your tip in the comments (before midnight, eastern standard time, January 16 2010) and include your email address in the appropriate field (it will not appear on the blog!). I’ll pick a winner at random. So post your tip! Remember that the blog comments are on moderation, so it may take a day for your comment to appear - but it is not lost.

Comments are now closed and the winner is - by random selection - comment #23! Thank you all so much for the fantastic tips; I’ll be turning them into a blog post soon - Jenn

When a story like the Tiger Woods infidelity saga breaks, the water cooler conversation often goes like this: Why on earth do these guys do this kind of thing?

I spoke with Doug Hirschorn, author of the forthcoming Eight Ways to Great and a performance coach who uses sports psychology to consult with high-powered Wall Street titans, about why high-performing men make crazy decisions (or at least decisions that look crazy).

“Always looking for that next great thing.”
Dr. Doug’s theory boils down to adrenaline: “The thing to understand about high performers like Tiger Woods or A-Rod or Kobe Bryant is that their normal way of operating is at a very high level of success. So for them to experience a truly remarkable performance happens more infrequently for the rest of us, so for Tiger Woods it might happen one tournament in five.”

According to Dr. Doug, for these elite performers, taking risks with one’s marriage and personal life can provide a challenge they find increasingly difficult to get on the job (or on the green): “Because he’s so public and because cameras are following him around… it’s that much more exciting to sleep with a cocktail waitress who he knows can ruin his reputation with one phone call. It gives him that adrenaline shot, and it lasts longer than that one shot because he knows that woman is out there. The excitement is knowing that you take it to the edge; that at any one moment it could end.”

So of course, I had to ask: If you’re married to one of these high performers, what can you do about it?

Not many people are married to those high performers, points out Dr. Doug. But if you are, he thinks “you have to accept both sides of that individual, and understand that the same thing you love that person for is the probably going to be the same thing you’re going to hate that person for…. What’s naïve is to be shocked and surprised.”

“People want black-and-white on this, but it’s complicated…[Tiger] has an adrenaline problem. But it’s not about sex or power. It’s about a great golfer figuring out what to do to get that rush when he gets off the golf course.”

It’s the analysis, stupid
Okay, so here’s one guy who clearly didn’t figure it out in time. But how can high achievers keep their lives in balance? “The lesson about high-profile men is: it’s not about medicating them or putting them in a cage; it’s about getting them to look at their life the same way they would their career and make the same smart choices…. The problem is they don’t do the proper self-analysis in the moment. Engage in a discussion on a level that he understands and relates to. Have him assess the relationship in that respect.”

I’m not so sure I entirely buy into the adrenaline theory: Are high performers really unable to pay attention to their own wedding vows? But hey, it’s one theory. What do you think?

For more on affairs:
After the affair
Affairs: Not just for men

Around this time of year I am full into holiday planning - gifts, baking, and decorations galore. But I also have to start to watch my mood a little bit; I tend to be just a bit more easily upset and a little bit more volatile.

The reason? No matter how lucky I am overall — and I really am — I still end up getting just a little bit angry that my daughter never got the chance to experience the holidays. I’ve learned over the past 5 - 5! - years that respecting that loss is the best way for me to not blow up about the turkey; to set aside the time for a walk through the cemetery and give myself space be sad. It’s become just as much a part of the season as the eggnog.

And this experience, I’ve learned, is not that uncommon: death, divorce, family feuds all can come to the fore this time of year. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of pressure to be happy. Bah! Humbug!

So that’s why (I freely admit my bias) the press release for Bereaved Families of Ontario - Toronto sent me this week promoting their Tree of Light ceremony caught my eye. All the details are available at their site but the summary is: It’s quite a moving opportunity for families to remember their loved ones, and this year it’s at 6:30 p.m. Thursday December 3 at the Toronto City Hall Rotunda; you can also make a donation online.

For those not in Toronto or who can’t or don’t want to attend, I took the opportunity to interview Maureen Ford, Chair of BFO-Toronto, and Chandra Colbear, a volunteer grief facilitator, for their advice in dealing with the special challenges the holiday season brings for those who are grieving.

If you’ve got a reason to dread the holidays - loss, divorce, strife or just plain old not a fan of them - how do you handle it?

This week one of my best friends experienced a “cardiac event” - fortunately more of a scare than anything life-threatening, but it was a real wake-up call. (Although actually, it was a wake-up text.)

First, that women should know the symptoms of heart attack, and take them seriously.

Second, that friends are pretty important. Unless, of course, they dump you (well okay, even then they’re important to someone).

And third, that maybe a big part of midlife friendship is learning to go through some of life’s biggest milestones together.

I know my friend and I have resolved to support each other in making sure our lifestyles are more heart-healthy: watch our diets, especially salt and fat (even though it may not be the killer we’ve thought it is), exercise more together, and laugh more often.

What’s changed in your relationships lately?

No, I don’t mean THAT kind of intimacy (but see Midlife sex: The new normal if that’s what you were hoping for!)

I mean the question of whether having instant messaging, Facebook, Twitter, etc. available at work and, in some cases, just about everywhere is actually creating more intimate relationships with our closest friends and family. You’ll find the YouTube video that got me thinking about it (courtesy of Laura over at 11D) below.

I’m very pleased to announce that we have video of two fearless editors:

Linda Lewis, editor-in-chief gives a behind-the-scenes look at the November issue
Sarah Moore, managing editor delivers a 40-second rant on how women are portrayed as technophobes - warning, you may laugh out loud at the office

Our haute flash readers got the links first this time, and if you want to be among them the next time, sign up for our newsletters. Although subscribing to the blog through your RSS reader will also put you in the loop!

That said, we did have site issues this week and I’d like to thank you all for your patience and understanding. They totally stressed me out; any tips you want to share on remaining calm when things go wrong would be much appreciated in the comments!

Finally, heading into the weekend, I wanted to share this great piece on the Obamas’ marriage from the New York Times. My husband and I struggle with this notion of equality a lot as well, and neither of us is a world leader! What’s your take?

This weekend the New York Times ran a series called 21st Century Babies - looking at some of the risks and outcomes from using assisted reproduction technology (ART) in the quest for children.

The Globe and Mail also ran a piece about infertility over the weekend: The new IVF gamble: single embryo transfer.

As a member of the “oops, I forgot to have children” generation — meaning delayed childbearing is the norm in my circle, whether the delay was due to marrying late, completing a PhD, starting a career, affording a house in Toronto, or just plain nerves about the whole thing — I’ve had to confront fertility issues head on in a number of ways. It seems to be a constant hot topic.

One thing I know is that it’s much easier to talk about the pros and cons of various treatments in the abstract than in the up close and personal. Have you had any experiences with ART? What are your thoughts? Do you broach these topics with teenage children?

Have you been following the bizarre dénouement of the Letterman affair? I confess that I have been. Today’s step: The apology. (Via the Globe and Mail.) I’m not sure I would want to be apologized to on television. Or to apologize on television. But I will give it to the guy: At least he’s owning up.

Actually, now that I’ve typed that, I’m not super keen on this as a standard. How about not having an affair in the first place? Or confessing before being blackmailed? Am I just naïve?

We’ve covered a couple of perspectives on midlife infidelity: Wendy B’s After the affair prompted a lot of response, as did Affairs: Not just for men. More and more I’m wondering: Is infidelity, or at least temptation, a natural part of marriage? Or is it just something we hear about because it’s juicy?

Wednesday night on ABC, Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox, is going to take on the midlife dating scene. Here are some links to get you in the mood:

Have you all seen this book (and website) - The Superior Wife Syndrome? There’s an article about it at the Globe and Mail website as well.

Now apparently women’s competence at the tasks at home - or at least the crowing about thereof - is destroying marriages. You too can take the quiz, get your score, and see if your superiority is at work harming your relationship.

I mean, I get it… I have felt perhaps the slightest twinge of the Superior Wife “Syndrome.”

And yet, I don’t. Why is it that all the marriage advice seems to be directed at women? Ooops, there goes that syndrome again.