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I know that I should be over it all. “Move on,” my friends say! The truth is that even though I may be dating online and being set up by friends, sometimes the heart takes a while to heal. And there is nothing that stops the healing process more than “cyber investigating” your ex online.

My relationship was only just over a year long. But this was a man that had been in my life twice before. We dated for seven months 10 years ago. And when I moved back to Toronto after a few years in Vancouver, we went on a few dates. He came back into my life as a real boyfriend in June 2009. So this time the break-up was especially hard.

As I try to get over him, I have tried a number of things. I joined some online dating sites as I’ve mentioned previously. I also joined some dating activity sites, like Eligible Social Club to keep me busy while my heart mended.

I also undertook some unhealthy behaviours that I urge you to avoid.

Googling and trying to find your ex’s profile on dating sites or seeing who he has “friended” on Facebook is just plain silly. It’s not good for your self-esteem, and it was certainly painful when I came across my ex’s profile on a dating site and I looked at it. He had used many of the things we had said to each other in private as a “call out” to women on his profile. Eek!

Not helpful in the ability to move on.

When it comes to Facebook, I suggest you remove him and all his friends from your friend list. I know it’s hard. But seeing the parties you missed or the dinners you weren’t at does not help in the “moving on” process.

After a few views of him at a birthday, smiling happily with the old gang, I gave up and removed him as a friend. He wasn’t a friend any longer. I seemed to be the only one that hadn’t realized it.

What I have learned is after a break-up, searching online cannot provide closure of any kind. Pretend it’s the 80s, when after you broke up you never heard anything about him again! That seems to help.

My new rules

• No Googling his name
• No checking out his Facebook page. Just delete him as a friend
• No searching him on dating sites, just to see when he was last online
• No e-mailing him about anything. You know the answer to everything already! It’s over
• No texting “just to see how he is.” You know how he is. He’s fine

Use online services to help you instead of hurt you, and you’ll start moving on quicker than you think.

I have been felled by a horrible flu! Too sick to even think about the many unanswered e-mails in my two online dating inboxes, I took to my bed with a box of Kleenex. In a feverish fog I suddenly remembered I had made a date for the next evening. We had had a great phone call the week before and I had been quite excited. But I had called to change our plans. He seemed fine about it and we made a date for a second try a few days later. But I had realized how sick I was and sadly had to call again to reschedule for the second time. I told him I’d call when fully recovered. So a week later I did. We made plans to grab a drink. Shortly after this conversation he sent me a message through the dating service to say he had re-read my profile and now didn’t see the chemistry, so he’d like to cancel our date. What chemistry?! We hadn’t even met. Isn’t it three strikes and you’re out? I guess in the dating world it’s only two.

I am single again. I have spent the appropriate time mourning the loss of my ex-boyfriend.
Now what?
Well, I have done my share of different types of dating over the years. Fix ups, personal ads, speed dating.
But nothing works faster and makes you act like a kid in a candy store than a good dose of online dating. With so many sites to choose from, anyone can find the site that fits his or her style and budget.
There are the big players like eHarmony.com that make you fill out a questionnaire that takes at least 2 hours. It spends millions on TV advertising. I did the entire survey only to be “rejected!” What! Me, rejected!?
I tried repeating the process on three different e-mail accounts with slightly altered answers to see if it was because they thought I was “mentally deranged” or unfit to date, or just plain undesirable. And I still had no clue.
As a test, because someone told me that they are a Christian organization, I finally changed my religious selection from Jewish to Lutheran and lo and behold got accepted! Think what you like. That is the truth. Good-bye eHarmony!
Next on the list are paying sites for specific groups. An example: jdate.com.
This is a site I’ve joined before. They charge a monthly fee and you are swimming in the pool of your own kind. Jdate.com is very popular all over the US and Canada. In my past I have even found a 10-month boyfriend on jdate.com.
The bottom of the barrel in my mind is plentyoffish.com. This site is free. And from friends I have heard that it truly collects the “last resort” people you would want to meet.
With those decisions before me, I paid up my $39.99 on Jdate.com and started my search.
Searching is fun. It is like shooting fish in a barrel. Hundreds of guys come up. That’s the fun. But most don’t really fit the bill.

Here are some tips:

1. Do write a decent profile. If you can’t, get a friend to help you. Be interesting and don’t say you love to walk on the beach. Be funny and a little devilish. Don’t lie and say you are a skier if you are not. It will bite you in the $%&!

2. Read their profiles. Because you will find interesting tidbits of information in amongst the lies! And always check the height and weight. I for some reason always LOVE the profile of a guy who ends up being 140 pounds and 5’1″. It’s unreal how many times that has happened.

3. I know this seems obvious. But use pictures that are realistic. Pictures from 10 years ago just won’t do. Neither will pictures of you at a different weight. The guy is going to eventually meet you. And the jig is up!

4. Keep the e-mailing to a minimum. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made was to have a three-week e-mail exchange with someone. He seemed so witty, bright. I was falling for him.
When we finally met and he was a 5’4″ troll with a comb-over….well let’s just say things fell apart.

Make sure you e-mail once or twice and ask if he would like to call you. If he says yes, NEVER give your phone number. Always call him. Remember, you might think you know him, but basically you are giving your phone number to a complete stranger. And now with all access available online, he could find out where you live.

5. Meet for a coffee date. Trust me. A three-hour dinner with a fellow with a large boil on his forehead makes it difficult for you to enjoy your ravioli dinner. This is true. But it is not fun. And if your conversation dies out after the appetizer it is going to be a LONG evening.

Coffee dates are great. You’re in and out in a half hour. You can see and hear all about him…and then wait until he asks to see you again. No point in you bringing it up. Remember, if he’s interested, he’ll ask you out. Otherwise you will be waiting for a phone call you are never going to get.

6. If you do go on a next date – think about having dinner. Not a movie or a tobogganing date yet. You need to see if your conversation can go the distance. And go in your own car. I was once left stranded in the northern part of Toronto, when my date decided that he’d had enough of the evening. Went to use the phone and never came back. Seriously.

7. Keep it all light and breezy. Don’t go out on any of these online dates with plans for a future together. It’s a big ol’ ugly crapshoot. Sometimes it works and most times it’s…NEXT!

The joke I’ve been foisting on my new More colleagues is that it takes two of us to fill web editor Jenn Gruden’s shoes now that she’s gone on maternity leave. But it’s true. Simone C. and I are here to fill in over the coming months. I (Helen Racanelli) will be helming the site in Jenn’s stead, and Simone, our new web producer, will be helping to build and maintain the smart More.ca content you’ve come to expect. So send us a comment, we’d love to hear from you!

And check out:
Avra’s new dating blog. Sexy sweaters and all.
These amazing entries in our Firsts after 40 contest.
Our poll about which expert you’d hire to improve your life (personal chef, anyone?)

[Note from Jenn: Last week I introduced Avra as our dating blogger. You can expect to hear from her most Fridays, sometimes with longer posts and sometimes with a moment from the front lines of dating over 40, like today.]

I met a guy for a date a few days ago. I had talked to him on the phone for about an hour a few days before the date. He seemed intelligent and well spoken. He had a social worker type of job. I had the feeling he was quite down to earth.

I didn’t however think about how that should influence what I wore on the date. I showed up in a cute vintage tight leopard sweater over a black lacy camisole and jeans. He was definitely a granola guy.

He took one look at me, then one look at his watch – and it was all over as quickly as the drinks went down!

You may have read Avra Goldenblatt’s occasional pieces on the dating scene after 40 here on the site. She had stopped writing them as she was involved in a relationship. Sadly, that recently ended – sadly for her. But lucky for us, because I’m pleased to introduce her as a regular blogger, and we’ll be featuring her dating adventures and thoughts on the dating scene regularly. Here’s her intro:

I am the Director of Communications at Transcontinental Media. I’m 52. Jenn asked me to write what my dating philosophy was for this blog. All I could think of was Carrie Bradshaw being asked in Sex and the City, what the “tone” of her book was to be. (“Is it hopeful?… You still believe he’s out there, right?”) She didn’t have an answer….and I am not quite sure what my philosophy is but I know that I will never give up on finding love.

5 ways to cope with a breakup – at 15, or 50

I’ve just spent just over a year in a serious relationship. It came crashing to an end one night in early fall without any warning. We of course had disagreements during our time together, but had just returned from (what I thought was) a fantastic trip to Chicago with his two teenage children. Everything was going really well. We ‘d been talking about how we would have a house together – filled with dogs!

This is what I realized: Whether a man is 20 or 46 (to be specific), break ups are usually impossible for them to accomplish without destroying everything you shared. I’ve spoken to friends and read stories about movie stars and they always seem to go the same way. The man will do anything to make you break up with him. Indulge in bad behaviour, forget to buy you a birthday present or show up to your anniversary with a “shelf” as a gift. He is hoping that you will understand that he wants out. But chances are you won’t.

He will still hold you in his arms up in the elevator seconds before he is about to blow it all up. He will even kiss you. But don’t let this fool you. If he suddenly moves back quickly, or wipes off your lipgloss like it’s toxic, you may be in trouble in a matter of minutes.

Some men would rather have to cut off their own arms with a pocket knife (127 Hours – great movie!) than explain it’s not working any more.

And when they have been lying to themselves for a few months, but you don’t do the honourable thing and end it, it can be all-out chaos.

How to cope:

1. Cry for at least 2 weeks. You need to get out the misery and holding it in will just keep you in limbo.
2. DON’T call him. I promise, his cold voice and the way he makes you feel like a complete stranger…does not help.
3. Don’t immediately join any online dating sites. All men will just seem appalling. You’re not ready.
4. Keep your friends close. But know that they have a 6 week window on sympathy. I had one friend literally cut me off in the middle of a Facebook chat, after I said I was still feeling lousy after a month.
5. Don’t run out to every party, event or bar in town just to be out of the house. Feel it for a while. It’s not the end of the world to be sad – at least for a bit.

Share your breakup tales – or favourite remedies – in the comments.

You can also follow Avra on Twitter.