When a story like the Tiger Woods infidelity saga breaks, the water cooler conversation often goes like this: Why on earth do these guys do this kind of thing?
I spoke with Doug Hirschorn, author of the forthcoming Eight Ways to Great and a performance coach who uses sports psychology to consult with high-powered Wall Street titans, about why high-performing men make crazy decisions (or at least decisions that look crazy).
“Always looking for that next great thing.”
Dr. Doug’s theory boils down to adrenaline: “The thing to understand about high performers like Tiger Woods or A-Rod or Kobe Bryant is that their normal way of operating is at a very high level of success. So for them to experience a truly remarkable performance happens more infrequently for the rest of us, so for Tiger Woods it might happen one tournament in five.”
According to Dr. Doug, for these elite performers, taking risks with one’s marriage and personal life can provide a challenge they find increasingly difficult to get on the job (or on the green): “Because he’s so public and because cameras are following him around… it’s that much more exciting to sleep with a cocktail waitress who he knows can ruin his reputation with one phone call. It gives him that adrenaline shot, and it lasts longer than that one shot because he knows that woman is out there. The excitement is knowing that you take it to the edge; that at any one moment it could end.”
So of course, I had to ask: If you’re married to one of these high performers, what can you do about it?
Not many people are married to those high performers, points out Dr. Doug. But if you are, he thinks “you have to accept both sides of that individual, and understand that the same thing you love that person for is the probably going to be the same thing you’re going to hate that person for…. What’s naïve is to be shocked and surprised.”
“People want black-and-white on this, but it’s complicated…[Tiger] has an adrenaline problem. But it’s not about sex or power. It’s about a great golfer figuring out what to do to get that rush when he gets off the golf course.”
It’s the analysis, stupid
Okay, so here’s one guy who clearly didn’t figure it out in time. But how can high achievers keep their lives in balance? “The lesson about high-profile men is: it’s not about medicating them or putting them in a cage; it’s about getting them to look at their life the same way they would their career and make the same smart choices…. The problem is they don’t do the proper self-analysis in the moment. Engage in a discussion on a level that he understands and relates to. Have him assess the relationship in that respect.”
I’m not so sure I entirely buy into the adrenaline theory: Are high performers really unable to pay attention to their own wedding vows? But hey, it’s one theory. What do you think?
For more on affairs:
After the affair
Affairs: Not just for men
[…] Why Tiger Woods cheats - More Daily - More.ca http://www.more.ca/blog/2009/12/16/why-tiger-woods-cheats – view page – cached Filed under: Relationships, Water cooler talk — Jenn Gruden, web editor @ 1:04 pm […]
Pingback by Twitter Trackbacks for Why Tiger Woods cheats - More Daily - More.ca [more.ca] on Topsy.com — December 16, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
Are you serious?? I find the idea that a woman should just accept her husband is a cheater as a byproduct of success ridiculous–it’s giving men permission to cheat on their wives. Tiger Woods put his wife in danger by possibly exposing her to STDs and humiliated his entire family by exposing them to public ridicule, yet still gets named Athlete of the Decade and gets his jollies. I hope his beautiful wife divorces him and finds someone who knows how to be a real man.
Comment by Charlotte — December 17, 2009 @ 11:23 am
So are high-powered women equally likely to cheat? Inquiring minds want to know!
Comment by Shandra — December 20, 2009 @ 11:14 pm
Yup, high achievers probably have different personalities, I can buy that. But perhaps we’re just overthinking all of this. And providing excuses for bad behaviour. If you take one high performing male, earning millions (billions) of dollars a year in endorsements, throw in youth, good looks and a healthy, fit physique to the mix, provide ample opportunity geographically by being on the road for work, stir it up with a bit of boredom and frustration at home with a wife who is no longer ‘new and exciting’, add a couple of very young children,and presto bingo bango, you get a very high probability (in my humble opinion) for infidelity. I know for a fact that it is not just the “high achieving” man who cheats — there are lots of examples of average men, working average jobs, with “normal” family lives, who cheat as well. How about we just say that it is a function of character and integrity, full stop.
Comment by Sheila McGovern — December 23, 2009 @ 4:01 pm
When I found out my husband of 36 years was having an affair I was in shock. We had no young children and I was hoping because of that we could spend more time together. The hardest part was being totaly alone. He expected me to get over the knowledge in 2 weeks!!!
Comment by June — January 13, 2010 @ 10:37 am