What happened to me
This year has seen the death of me as the energizer bunny. I hit the wall of fifty like there was a warranty on my physical parts and it expired at midnight on my birthday. I woke up with a grinding tension headache (not the hazy reminder of vintages enjoyed the previous evening but a vise-like grip squeezing my eyeballs out of their sockets). It seemed to have taken up permanent residence next door to my stiff neck and locked jaw.
When I finally took the plunge and engaged gravity , the earlier sensations went from a warning shot over the bow to an incendiary bomb to my temporal region. The more I pushed, the more insistent my body became on pushing back. We have the disadvantage of observing ourselves from the outside with little access to real internal management; we are no match for the physiology that mans the operation from the inside. My adrenal gland was bathing me in a wash of stress hormones that was going to corrode me from the inside out, despite regular yoga and a persistent will to win.
It was the first time in my life, pre-eclampsia and a death in the family included, that I could not will myself nor work myself through. My Naturopath framed the problem clearly for me: give in to a lifestyle change or get ready to cease to exist in really, really painful fashion.
What I learned
It is a sign of life that we continue to learn at every age. I need to remind myself of that when I feel overwhelmed at how much I still don't know. What I know for sure now is that I can plan but I need to be flexible and Plan B cannot be a faster, more efficient version of Plan A. I can have the body that I want, I just need to attend to the revisions my body has acquired rather than pretend that thirty years of wear and tear can be ignored. I can continue to feed my vanity about my youthful appearance ( I have enough filler in my face to keep me afloat if necessary) but denial is not a viable strategy if I want to keep working, parenting and partnering what and who I love.
What I wish I'd known then
The really, really good news is that we know so much more about food as a pharmaceutical. Alice Waters is right: What we eat is so central to how we function it is remarkable to me that it is not a foundation program in schools. Kindergarteners should be planting and harvesting organic produce and working with the first graders to get a really great salad going for lunch. Second and third graders are old enough to keep chickens and make yogurt. Let's throw caution to the wind and let fourth graders work the stove and make healthy hot lunches from sustainable sources. We require vaccinations (a really, really good idea). Let's require healthy eating habits (an even better idea for long term wellness).
Exercise is for the brain as much as it is for the body. You can walk and meditate at the same time if sitting still gives you a migraine. Every day offers a multitude of opportunities to reflect and revive. The race is won by the smartest and most strategic, not the strongest and fastest. I needed to hit the wall and bounce off, several times actually, to recognize the value in pausing to consider the other, more interesting routes. I can still do the bunny sprints, but now I stop for a dandelion break, a cup of green tea, and long stretch.
